There are times I just want to be alone away from everyone and
everything I’ve not been able to find an escape after everything that I have
faced people. They look at me and think nothing is wrong they see me laughing,
smiling as if nothing is bothering me as a friend told me before you're a pretty good actor because you hide whats bothering you very well, those who know me can see the fear and
worry in my eyes they can hear my silence but I’m too proud to vent about how
scared I am that I won’t find a stable job to be successful in, to paying my
bills and wondering how long it will take for that job to finally come along. Instead
I find myself keeping everything to myself when in reality I just want to scream I want to cry I fight the
tears an try to hide my frustrations by isolating myself away.
I find myself unintentionally wanting to rant and rave at
those who want to help me even though the people closest to me assure that
everything will work out fine and not to worry.
Everything that has happened from divorce, to work issues
and planning to get married and not even being able to see my family for the
past 6 years I have missed so much since I’ve been away from America. I’ve
missed the birth of my nephew, I didn’t get to say goodbye to my great grandmother
before she died, I really just want to see my mom and hug her and hug and kiss
my sisters and my niece and nephews, I’m struggling to find a way to visit my
children, struggling with keeping up with my prayers really I just want to
explode I feel my breaking point. I feel at times that I have lost faith in
life and in myself then they’re moments that spark a light of hope that things
will turn around but that spark is swift and the spark of hope starts to fade.
I can’t help but wonder what I have been doing wrong in life
to keep facing obstacle after obstacle, some say that Allah (God) tests those
he loves the most, I feel I am failing this test rapidly there are times I wish
I was in a nightmare or a coma fighting to wake up and to find myself still
married to my ex-husband and not having to face this chaotic block. I do have faith that Allah will see me through
this I am grateful for the things that I have faced “surprisingly” because it’s
made me more aware of things in life and people’s intentions all though people
can be pretty transparent and can be hard to really know what their intentions
are until it’s too late and you wasted your time trying to alter myself for
them while I lost myself in the process!
I think this is my main problem actually I used to care what
people think I would change myself or the things I did so that they would be
happy with me in the end I was never happy once I stopped those people faded out
of my life most defiantly for the best. My life has been like a giant puzzle
trying to fit each thing in my life in where it belongs trying
to fit a piece that I want to fit but it’s just not meant to fit no matter how
much I want it to.
A lot of the times I really wonder what my purpose in this
life is; For sure my purpose is to be here for my children and that’s the most
meaningful thing in my life as well as my fiancé who has been more than patient
and supportive through everything where most men probably would have ran away he
has stayed by my side yet I find myself snapping at him yet he understands and
just holds me and tells me to not to worry. He has really brought the best out
in me he has helped me face some of my biggest fears and keeps working with me
on it has told me many times if you keep hanging on to your fears you will not
be able to live your life happily and he’s absolutely right..
I think that when we face our fears it will break us down
but it depends on us to get back up and keep trying in the end each struggle
helps prepare us for the things we wanted and it also makes us stronger. I have
come a long way from bigger things that caused chaos in my life where I thought
I just wanted to die and didn’t want to continue in this life anymore, There
are times sometimes I get those thoughts then I look at how far I have come; I’m
where I want to be in life it’s just fitting every puzzle piece in my life into
its place I know with the right people in my life that I have they will help me
fit those pieces into the right place.
So even though there’s a lot of fear I still have a lot of
hope I have always taught myself to never expect anything because when things
don’t go the way we wanted it we set ourselves up for disappointment I always
hold on to hope.
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