The aggression of being Territorial

Monday, December 4, 2017 4:31 AM by loveforksa.blogspot.com 0 comments

Have you ever been in a situation where you were the only one for a while than all of the sudden someone new comes along and starts to absorb all o f that attention? that is my current state now! I hate this feeling its not a good feeling at all but is it wrong to feel that way?

I don't generally mind sharing the spotlight as long as both individuals are recognized for their duties and their hard work, Sometimes the other will try to over power the other who's been around for  awhile to show their strength by trying to take over the things the others duties to show how strong they are sometimes you let them win but if you're like me you take it personal.. I'm not really sure if I'm jealous or if i'm just extremely territorial  because being jealous is when you want something that's not yours where being territorial is protecting what already is yours...

When to let your guard down though? or do you ever let your guard down? people always say do not trust anyone in all senses those people are right! some people are a like a wolf in sheep's clothing they try to be your friend they try to know things about you only to try to take what you've worked so hard to get where your at... All this aggression I feel towards fighting to keep my position and to prove to my worthiness that I deserve the same recognition but the constant proving worthiness is exhausting so when do you stop trying to prove yourself? 

I think the only failure is when you stop trying and I think it's okay to fail sometimes because when we fail we learn from that experience and what not to repeat in the future but if you see that you're heading for failure is to give everything you got put all of your efforts your sleepless nights to the point you cry an at that point you pray to Allah (God)  to help guide you at that point this is the point i'm at now, everyone says to stop worrying and to relax but how can I relax when everything in my life seems to be going down the slippery slope? my patience is like the strand of hair and I hate this feeling and I can only hope that my worrying isn't worthy and i'll be proven wrong and that my feelings are wrong an I'll continue to stand strong where I'm at.

 I know that in this time I need to turn to Allah and pray sometimes I feel like I don't want to pray  I know that it will help me but at the same time I feel so week to push myself and I keep hitting one road block after another just when I find a solution to one problem another seems to show up I hope that I can find the motivation to get me back on track of praying again, I miss being on top of my prayers I really feel bad when I don't pray I know when I do pray I'm not angry I'm sure this is the root of all my problems but why can't I push myself to do it? All I can say and hope for that Allah guide me back to him and that the problems that I see that are so big become not a problem at all..



Who would I be

Monday, November 27, 2017 11:22 PM by loveforksa.blogspot.com 0 comments

The question always remains in my mind, In what type of person I would be if the things that have happened to me in the past never happened.... Would I be the same person I am today? I feel angry at the people in my past who have betrayed my trust and hurt me I often wonder why they did those things? did I deserve it? I know I didn't but still the question remains if it didn't happen would I be a better person ? Even though I am have strong dis likeness to the people who have molded my mind and personality and my views on life .

When I was younger I used to watch shows like "rescue 911" I loved this show the police made me feel safe and the dispatchers I admired them, they were always there to answer the calls for help I wanted to be that person.. I didn't get to become what I wanted I became so sick from the things that had changed my life from the sexual abuse from my step father, than my biological father I had attempted suicide at the age 10 I spent several months in hospitals for treatment I spent a quite a bit of time in and out of hospitals throughout my pre-teen life, I didn't return to public schools until my middle school years... 

I knew after the time I had spent time in the hospitals that I wanted to do something that helped people I wanted to work with the police, I did get the opportunity to work in the "Police explorer program" with my local police department it gave me a whole new aspect of respect for the police in what they do in the mean time it helped me stay straight in high school that was my goal ideas in life were to serve my country in the US Army and work in the military police and then work with my local department in my home town... 
As I sat in my classroom in high school I remember a discussion about foreigners I remember myself saying " I will never ever marry a foreigner" I had a very ignorant aspect of those from different countries I was happy that I was making my family happy by doing what they expected me to do.... little did I know that many of those things would change, after 9/11 I was ready to serve in the military that was my push of encouragement I needed to join the Army after high school I remember training with them and during my 2 mile run I got sick at that time I learned I had asthma and had an asthma attack as I was finishing my run and learned that I'd no longer be allowed to join the military.

After the 9/11 I started to make friends then never did I expect myself to ever become Muslim let alone live in another country 15 years later I'm now living inside of Saudi Arabia, I always wonder what would had happened if I had never met my Saudi friends would I be the same person I am today? where would I be if the things didn't happen to me would I be Muslim ? would I be living in Saudi would I be happier?... I know one thing the struggles that I had dealt with did teach me many things  that no university can teach you, which is that the people in life even the ones you call family can hurt you and can not always be trusted but the people who are not blood can become more than family, I have met so many amazing people in my life that have taught me things that I will carry for ever, and the people that who've betrayed me have taught also in to be cautions in who you trust and to be careful in the life... 

My mind is always full of "What Ifs"  but If I had never been through the things I went through I know that maybe I wouldn't be who I am today, am I always happy? no I still face a lot of ups and downs and struggles that always makes me wonder what if that didn't happen would I be happier I just hope now  since the past is the past and can't be changed that the new things to come will make me happy so I can never wonder about my past and be able to help others who may struggle as I have after all helping people is what I enjoy..

The things you say are one thing, but the actions you do are what matter more than your words, words are comforting but when actions don't match your words than it only breaks the heart and mind so do be kind you don't know the life they've lived everyone handles things differently so be kind it cost nothing to listen and to be kind.💕

She was

Saturday, November 25, 2017 3:32 AM by loveforksa.blogspot.com 0 comments


She was patient
She was strong
She stood by your side even when you ignored her
She was there for you
She cried for you
She missed you
She loved you
She wanted you
She just wanted your attention
She just needed to feel that you cared
She made excuses for why you didn't call
She got used to you not calling back
She ended up falling asleep soaked in her tears
She started to drift from you
She hated the feeling of leaving you
She thought you'd always be by her side
She realized that even though she was always there for you willing to drop everything for you that you wouldn't do the same for her.


Mi Vida Querida

3:28 AM by loveforksa.blogspot.com 0 comments



He makes her smile
He makes her mad
He makes her cry
He makes her laugh
He makes sure she's fine
He make sure she's smiling
He make sure that she's not crying
He knows she's been through a lot but holds her hand
He knows she's broken but he's patient
He knows she's worried but he consults that things will be fine
He knows she feels alone but makes sure she knows she's not
He scolds her lovingly when she's wrong
He holds her when she's at her weakest points
He advises her because he cares
He told her because you're mind and I love you.

She has been through so much in her life she forgot how it felt to have someone who really  cared, She doesn't always know how to react sometimes she reacts by pushing away because the taste of real love feels strange but what she does know that the sound of his voice soothes her sadness his words erases her fears she knows she's his and that alone to hear him say it makes her feel content  and he was her missing piece that mended her broken heart and soul.

My Lullaby

3:19 AM by loveforksa.blogspot.com 0 comments

When I think of him he makes me smile
When I think of him he gives me hope
When I think of him the memories we've made make me laugh
When I think of doing something I remind myself if he would be upset or happy
When I think of him when he's sad I want to take all the sadness within myself
When he faced problems I want to face it with him
When he's suffering I want to suffer with him
When he's angry I want to help calm him down
When I'm not talking to him my days are dull
When I don't hear his voice my heart cries for him
When we're together we cry
When we're together we heal
When we're together we feel like we never want to be apart
When he's sad or hurting and silent my ears and heart and arms are waiting to mend a broken spirit.

She loved

2:53 AM by loveforksa.blogspot.com 0 comments

She may wait for you
She may give you 1000 excuses to let things slide
She may give you chance after chance even after you broke your promises and her heart
She may love you no matter what you do to her
She may love you more than you love her
She may love you still even when you ignore her
She may still love you after you keep her waiting
She may learn to let go while she keeps waiting
She May learn to love you less f you show her you don't care
She may stop worrying since you don't worry for her
She may stop chasing you since you keep her hanging on.

When she stops worrying and crying for you and over reacting because you're not calling her anymore is when you should be concerned, because once that love is gone its gone for good. So if you love her like you say you do show it, act like you mean it do what you say you're going to do don't keep her guessing and wondering because when the time comes she moves on without you. You have no one else to blame but yourself for not making her feel you care about her.


willingly blinded

2:49 AM by loveforksa.blogspot.com 0 comments


She was the one who would be the first willing to help
She was the one who would give her last dollar to help someone in need
She was the one who would assure that things would be fine
She was the one that would answer your call at 3am to talk and make sure you were okay
She was the one who would go out of her way to give you want you needed
She was the one who would do anything for ou
She was the one who would do anything to make you happy
She was the one that would listen to you cry
She was the one that would handle the peoples harsh attitude and give them an excuse for why and let it go,
She was the one that would give you chance after chance
She was the one who cried every night to sleep
She was wondering why no one cared the way she did
She was the one who wanted someone to hold her
She was the one who just wanted someone to be there for her
She was the one who just wanted someone to talk to
She was the one who suffered so much in silence
She was the one who felt no one cared
She was the one who just wanted it to end because it hurt to much
She was the one that just wanted someone to be there for her like she has been there for others
She just wanted to feel and to be loved!

constricted mind

2:45 AM by loveforksa.blogspot.com 0 comments

She was angry
She was happy
She was in pain
The pain broke her
The pain destroyed her
The pain consumed her
She smoked
She did drugs
She tried to cope with the pain
She began to spiral out of control
She wanted to be thought of
She wanted to be someone's reason to smile
She wanted to feel happy
She struggled
She waited
She cried
She Died trying to fight her battles,
She didn't want anyone to try to fix her she just needed someone to love her.


Not Enough

Sunday, July 30, 2017 7:01 AM by loveforksa.blogspot.com 0 comments



I'm the worst mistake in your life,
I'm not what you want,
I don't understand,
I'm needy and clingy
I'm Always angry,
Something is wrong with me,
I'm hard headed and complicated an stubborn,
I'm a problem and I'm sick,
I'm uneducated,
I don't have any talent or skills,
I'm not sexy or don't dress sexy 


At one point in your life I was everything you wanted, I'm not what you want because I didn't fit the image in your mind.

I didn't understand? I understood clearly but perhaps it was you who didn't take the time to understand me.

 I was needy and clingy? I was only needing your love and affection.

 I wasn't angry but hurt for your lack of ability to know how to care for me when the only things I wanted from you were simple!

There was nothing wrong with me, I'm a normal person who has passion and enjoys being independent and a strong motive to stand for what I believe in and the things that I want in life.

 I was never complicated, I was just more of a strong woman than you wanted, you wanted someone to agree and to do every thing you wanted in order for you to feel strong you controlled every thing that I liked or wanted to do that made me happy and threatened to get your way!

I may have had some issues in the past but they don't define me my past is my past and its not my present the only thing that made me sick was your constant criticism and negativity.

 I may not be as educated as you wanted me to be but I'm not stupid and there are things in education that you don't learn in school like, good manners, kindness, and humbleness.

I may not know how to sew or draw or be a chef , but I do have a talent its called my voice I have a voice and I like to use it to speak for people and to defend people I do have a skill that you will never be able to have which is having a way in dealing with people and how to understand the life and to not take everything negatively and to look at things positively.

I may not have the body of a model but I try my best and tried my best to look good to you in the end it wasn't enough.

The more I sit and think about all the things I know the mistakes I made but I'm a humble person and will never leave out the details of my mistakes that I made I take full responsibility in the faults in my life and never  blame someone else for the mistakes of my actions... I have been through a lot in my life I have faced a lot of obstacles that maybe you couldn't have handled as I did  but I am strong and I got through them I had good people in life to teach me how to handle those obstacles and I also had bad people who taught me how I don't want to be, I am grateful for the things I have I may not be rich or have a job that will make me a millionaire but I have a job that I'm happy with and I can be a normal person I am happy with my life maybe not with my current situation but I'm happy and content with where I am, all I can say is I'm perfectly imperfect and I am happy with who I am and I hope I can only improve to be a better person than I was yesterday!

Subscribe to: Comments (Atom)