In six days, I will go back home to Saudi Arabia. I do not expect to come back to America that I had an emptiness that I didn’t know was there since I’ve been home. My family has filled the empty, empty void and sadness that I’ve had for so long and now it’s made it much more difficult on my decision and when and if I should move my family back to America.
Today I went to my nieces orchestra concert. It was so nice to go. I was able to see my high school teacher who helped me when I was in high school and it was just nice to be amongst my family and encourage my niece and her playing. I hope the next time it will not take me 11 years to come back home. I hope that I will be able to come back within a year or two that’s if I don’t end up pregnant again ha ha.
I think in general, I’m probably done having babies. I would like one more and be done. I know my husband like one more or two more or more, but my age and my mental health. I really can’t handle more than one more. I think after the sixth one, if we ever decide to have one, I would decide to be done having babies , but I think I really don’t know what to think. Right now I want to come back home but at the same time it scares me into what I would bring my girls into and the environment here in America I think it’s better for them to go to school in Saudi for the time being until they’re old enough to understand and not be easily influenced by what they see. I want them to know right from wrong so when they see wrong, they’ll understand.
Also choosing a perfect location and where to live from financial stability, I want to move close to family, but the same time I like the distance I don’t want my kids to be easily influenced by what my family do as much as I love them I don’t want them to push their faith onto My Kids And I don’t want them to be disappointed if they rejected because they’re Muslim and because they’re Arab It is very important to me that they know and are deeply rooted with Islam and their culture. I know doesn’t mean much to them now, but I know for myself not being raised around Mexican culture and how much I have missed and wishing I was raised around the culture do these to speak the language well do you know the culture history background need to be embrace my culture and I hope that my girls can have a happy future Inshallah.
I leave Saturday and as the time gets closer, my emotions are getting the best of me. The whispers of shaytan are playing with my mind. Confusing me what I should do. Should I come home again quickly with my family should we stay there? Only Allah knows what will happen and all I can do is put my trust in Allah and hope that he directs me and our family to the best way of life and destination.
I think after the presidential election, the decision will be clear and what will take place as as well as that coming wars between Iran and Israel I have no idea how this is gonna affect Saudi Arabia. If Israel decides to attack it on this war is made that we would have to evacuate may Allah Keep us safe.Ameen
It is now 1014 at night. Everyone is asleep but me no surprise there ha ha ha I had to order my dreamwater online because no one in my hometown carried it. It’s a box of four and should be enough for me until I get back home to adjust to my sleep schedule . I hope being back home I will be fine and calm and not irritated with my family and girls I hope that being here as a refreshment reset that will put me in a good state of mind when I go back home and I don’t have to go back to my medication Good night signing off.
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