not so strong

Saturday, June 15, 2019 2:52 PM by loveforksa.blogspot.com 0 comments



She smiles to everyone to hide her pain,
She laughs and jokes to heal the tears that the people in her life have caused
She spends endless hours trying to make others happy while others take advantage of her kindness in the end she makes excuses for why even though she knows in her deeply broken heart that they’re only taken her kindness as a weakness…

She’s been hurt so many times that when good things occur she doesn’t know how to react she becomes worried in wondering in what bad things are to come.

She deals with the pain in the unhealthiest way; she works endless hours to keep her mind busy and distracted away from the pain and to avoid sitting alone dealing the sounds of her own voices in her mind.

Most times she wished she was dead instead of fighting the daily battles in her mind and in her daily life but she keeps fighting forward she continues to try to make others laugh, trying to make others to never feel as lonely as she feels each night she goes to sleep knowing that the people she tries to help would never do the same for her no one asks if she’s okay they see she smiles and laughs and think that she is okay they result in telling her she’s so strong when yet she feels so weak.

She just wants someone to love her for who she is to help her to become the better version of herself she feels so broken and scared to trust anyone out of fear that they will end up leaving her as the others have sworn that they’d always be by her side but left after they were done using her to their advantage.

She’s broken day by day she’s putting the pieces of her life back together she’s building her wall so high waiting to see if anyone finds her worthy enough to climb those walls and to walk beside her to be the supporting soldier that she wants in her life but she knows that she can live this world alone she has gotten through so much alone because she is a true warrior a Queen…



Betrayal

Sunday, January 14, 2018 3:36 AM by loveforksa.blogspot.com 0 comments

You give your time your hours away, and all your effort and taking away  from the people who matter to you most,

You defend them when others insult and criticize, knowing that those people who're talking are probably right in the end you block it all out and say no their wrong and you defend the people who you think who would have your back.

How many of us have been in a relationship, or it being work you do your job you prove yourself you help them without asking for anything in return than all of the sudden a sheep in wolves clothing comes or maybe they're all sheep in wolves clothing only working for their own benefit in the end everything you've done for them never mattered it was the benefit of their need from you is all that they wanted now that they have gotten their benefits of you they slowly start to replace you, when you suspect something you tend to want to block the idea out of your mind  you question them they tell you don't worry don't over think but you know what we have a conscious for a reason normally when there's something wrong its because they're normally is so never ignore the bad vibes...

How do we allow betrayal to happen? the answer is we don't it's normally unexpected the kindest ones are the ones who're the ones who are the ones who get hurt the most and those people who are the kindest are the ones who've been betrayed to many times and people wonder why you think or act the way you do, so many people who take advantage of our kindness and or loyalty sometimes ends up biting us in the ass we end up lacking trust and we end up not trusting anyone even the ones who actually are loyal good people to us we tend to take it out on them and than start to push them away and shutting everyone out all because of a few bad people...

How do we avoid it? be cautious in every situation, study each person you meet if they talk about others in a bad way than you can be guaranteed they'll talk about you also behind your back. If they promise unrealistically or seem to be over the top or it seems to good to be true it normally is... If you mention about the problem a few times and nothing changes than know that they're not good company or the people around you are not good.

In the end be careful in who you talk to not everyone you talk to can you always trust and isn't always your friend sometimes people will be nice to you just to gain something from you, sometimes it pays to be an asshole so you don't get hurt again and again.

The aggression of being Territorial

Monday, December 4, 2017 4:31 AM by loveforksa.blogspot.com 0 comments

Have you ever been in a situation where you were the only one for a while than all of the sudden someone new comes along and starts to absorb all o f that attention? that is my current state now! I hate this feeling its not a good feeling at all but is it wrong to feel that way?

I don't generally mind sharing the spotlight as long as both individuals are recognized for their duties and their hard work, Sometimes the other will try to over power the other who's been around for  awhile to show their strength by trying to take over the things the others duties to show how strong they are sometimes you let them win but if you're like me you take it personal.. I'm not really sure if I'm jealous or if i'm just extremely territorial  because being jealous is when you want something that's not yours where being territorial is protecting what already is yours...

When to let your guard down though? or do you ever let your guard down? people always say do not trust anyone in all senses those people are right! some people are a like a wolf in sheep's clothing they try to be your friend they try to know things about you only to try to take what you've worked so hard to get where your at... All this aggression I feel towards fighting to keep my position and to prove to my worthiness that I deserve the same recognition but the constant proving worthiness is exhausting so when do you stop trying to prove yourself? 

I think the only failure is when you stop trying and I think it's okay to fail sometimes because when we fail we learn from that experience and what not to repeat in the future but if you see that you're heading for failure is to give everything you got put all of your efforts your sleepless nights to the point you cry an at that point you pray to Allah (God)  to help guide you at that point this is the point i'm at now, everyone says to stop worrying and to relax but how can I relax when everything in my life seems to be going down the slippery slope? my patience is like the strand of hair and I hate this feeling and I can only hope that my worrying isn't worthy and i'll be proven wrong and that my feelings are wrong an I'll continue to stand strong where I'm at.

 I know that in this time I need to turn to Allah and pray sometimes I feel like I don't want to pray  I know that it will help me but at the same time I feel so week to push myself and I keep hitting one road block after another just when I find a solution to one problem another seems to show up I hope that I can find the motivation to get me back on track of praying again, I miss being on top of my prayers I really feel bad when I don't pray I know when I do pray I'm not angry I'm sure this is the root of all my problems but why can't I push myself to do it? All I can say and hope for that Allah guide me back to him and that the problems that I see that are so big become not a problem at all..



Who would I be

Monday, November 27, 2017 11:22 PM by loveforksa.blogspot.com 0 comments

The question always remains in my mind, In what type of person I would be if the things that have happened to me in the past never happened.... Would I be the same person I am today? I feel angry at the people in my past who have betrayed my trust and hurt me I often wonder why they did those things? did I deserve it? I know I didn't but still the question remains if it didn't happen would I be a better person ? Even though I am have strong dis likeness to the people who have molded my mind and personality and my views on life .

When I was younger I used to watch shows like "rescue 911" I loved this show the police made me feel safe and the dispatchers I admired them, they were always there to answer the calls for help I wanted to be that person.. I didn't get to become what I wanted I became so sick from the things that had changed my life from the sexual abuse from my step father, than my biological father I had attempted suicide at the age 10 I spent several months in hospitals for treatment I spent a quite a bit of time in and out of hospitals throughout my pre-teen life, I didn't return to public schools until my middle school years... 

I knew after the time I had spent time in the hospitals that I wanted to do something that helped people I wanted to work with the police, I did get the opportunity to work in the "Police explorer program" with my local police department it gave me a whole new aspect of respect for the police in what they do in the mean time it helped me stay straight in high school that was my goal ideas in life were to serve my country in the US Army and work in the military police and then work with my local department in my home town... 
As I sat in my classroom in high school I remember a discussion about foreigners I remember myself saying " I will never ever marry a foreigner" I had a very ignorant aspect of those from different countries I was happy that I was making my family happy by doing what they expected me to do.... little did I know that many of those things would change, after 9/11 I was ready to serve in the military that was my push of encouragement I needed to join the Army after high school I remember training with them and during my 2 mile run I got sick at that time I learned I had asthma and had an asthma attack as I was finishing my run and learned that I'd no longer be allowed to join the military.

After the 9/11 I started to make friends then never did I expect myself to ever become Muslim let alone live in another country 15 years later I'm now living inside of Saudi Arabia, I always wonder what would had happened if I had never met my Saudi friends would I be the same person I am today? where would I be if the things didn't happen to me would I be Muslim ? would I be living in Saudi would I be happier?... I know one thing the struggles that I had dealt with did teach me many things  that no university can teach you, which is that the people in life even the ones you call family can hurt you and can not always be trusted but the people who are not blood can become more than family, I have met so many amazing people in my life that have taught me things that I will carry for ever, and the people that who've betrayed me have taught also in to be cautions in who you trust and to be careful in the life... 

My mind is always full of "What Ifs"  but If I had never been through the things I went through I know that maybe I wouldn't be who I am today, am I always happy? no I still face a lot of ups and downs and struggles that always makes me wonder what if that didn't happen would I be happier I just hope now  since the past is the past and can't be changed that the new things to come will make me happy so I can never wonder about my past and be able to help others who may struggle as I have after all helping people is what I enjoy..

The things you say are one thing, but the actions you do are what matter more than your words, words are comforting but when actions don't match your words than it only breaks the heart and mind so do be kind you don't know the life they've lived everyone handles things differently so be kind it cost nothing to listen and to be kind.💕

She was

Saturday, November 25, 2017 3:32 AM by loveforksa.blogspot.com 0 comments


She was patient
She was strong
She stood by your side even when you ignored her
She was there for you
She cried for you
She missed you
She loved you
She wanted you
She just wanted your attention
She just needed to feel that you cared
She made excuses for why you didn't call
She got used to you not calling back
She ended up falling asleep soaked in her tears
She started to drift from you
She hated the feeling of leaving you
She thought you'd always be by her side
She realized that even though she was always there for you willing to drop everything for you that you wouldn't do the same for her.


Mi Vida Querida

3:28 AM by loveforksa.blogspot.com 0 comments



He makes her smile
He makes her mad
He makes her cry
He makes her laugh
He makes sure she's fine
He make sure she's smiling
He make sure that she's not crying
He knows she's been through a lot but holds her hand
He knows she's broken but he's patient
He knows she's worried but he consults that things will be fine
He knows she feels alone but makes sure she knows she's not
He scolds her lovingly when she's wrong
He holds her when she's at her weakest points
He advises her because he cares
He told her because you're mind and I love you.

She has been through so much in her life she forgot how it felt to have someone who really  cared, She doesn't always know how to react sometimes she reacts by pushing away because the taste of real love feels strange but what she does know that the sound of his voice soothes her sadness his words erases her fears she knows she's his and that alone to hear him say it makes her feel content  and he was her missing piece that mended her broken heart and soul.

My Lullaby

3:19 AM by loveforksa.blogspot.com 0 comments

When I think of him he makes me smile
When I think of him he gives me hope
When I think of him the memories we've made make me laugh
When I think of doing something I remind myself if he would be upset or happy
When I think of him when he's sad I want to take all the sadness within myself
When he faced problems I want to face it with him
When he's suffering I want to suffer with him
When he's angry I want to help calm him down
When I'm not talking to him my days are dull
When I don't hear his voice my heart cries for him
When we're together we cry
When we're together we heal
When we're together we feel like we never want to be apart
When he's sad or hurting and silent my ears and heart and arms are waiting to mend a broken spirit.

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