Color's of Autumn

In six days, I will go back home to Saudi Arabia. I do not expect to come back to America that I had an emptiness that I didn’t know was there since I’ve been home. My family has filled the empty, empty void and sadness that I’ve had for so long and now it’s made it much more difficult on my decision and when and if I should move my family back to America. 

Today I went to my nieces orchestra concert. It was so nice to go. I was able to see my high school teacher who helped me when I was in high school and it was just nice to be amongst my family and encourage my niece and her playing. I hope the next time it will not take me 11 years to come back home. I hope that I will be able to come back within a year or two that’s if I don’t end up pregnant again ha ha.

I think in general, I’m probably done having babies. I would like one more and be done. I know my husband like one more or two more or more, but my age and my mental health. I really can’t handle more than one more. I think after the sixth one, if we ever decide to have one, I would decide to be done having babies , but I think I really don’t know what to think. Right now I want to come back home but at the same time it scares me into what I would bring my girls into and the environment here in America I think it’s better for them to go to school in Saudi for the time being until they’re old enough to understand and not be easily influenced by what they see. I want them to know right from wrong so when they see wrong, they’ll understand.

Also choosing a perfect location and where to live from financial stability, I want to move close to family, but the same time I like the distance I don’t want my kids to be easily influenced by what my family do as much as I love them I don’t want them to push their faith onto My Kids And I don’t want them to be disappointed if they rejected because they’re Muslim and because they’re Arab It is very important to me that they know and are deeply rooted with Islam and their culture. I know doesn’t mean much to them now, but I know for myself not being raised around Mexican culture and how much I have missed and wishing I was raised around the culture do these to speak the language well do you know the culture history background need to be embrace my culture and I hope that my girls can have a happy future Inshallah.

I leave Saturday and as the time gets closer, my emotions are getting the best of me. The whispers of shaytan are playing with my mind. Confusing me what I should do. Should I come home again quickly with my family should we stay there? Only Allah knows what will happen and all I can do is put my trust in Allah and hope that he directs me and our family to the best way of life and destination. 

I think after the presidential election, the decision will be clear and what will take place as as well as that coming wars between Iran and Israel I have no idea how this is gonna affect Saudi Arabia. If Israel decides to attack it on this war is made that we would have to evacuate may Allah Keep us safe.Ameen 

It is now 1014 at night. Everyone is asleep but me no surprise there ha ha ha I had to order my dreamwater online because no one in my hometown carried it. It’s a box of four and should be enough for me until I get back home to adjust to my sleep schedule . I hope being back home I will be fine and calm and not irritated with my family and girls I hope that being here as a refreshment reset that will put me in a good state of mind when I go back home and I don’t have to go back to my medication Good night signing off. 

From the people I’ve met throughout my life I’ve learned valuable lessons from each one.  Also applying some of their ways of their life to my own to make it better. 

Something I’ve realized; not everyone is like this but I’ve found that  those who have higher degrees and have high salaries have the tendency to be arrogant and come off as self entitled in their behavior. 

What also caught my attention is how a lot of them like to show off, I think a lot of us are guilty of this from time to time I felt my self doing this a lot but found the more I shown off the more tension and problems in my life came. 

I learned the hard way of not showing every aspect of my life to the public. Never underestimate the power of evil eye. 

The other type of people are the ones who may not have had the best of things in life. Ether they’ve faced traumatic experiences they didn’t grow up in a wealthy environment but I’ve found some of these people the most compassionate to those and willing to give even if it was their last item of clothing or food to their last dollar. 

I’ve been often accused of being jealous of those who’ve grown up Where things were pretty much handed to them. 

Jealousy and envy is a normal feeling but when it controls you is where the problem lies. I maybe jealous of those who’re born and raised Arab who can speak and read the language fluently but never have I been jealous of anyones life I have the life I want Alhumdullilah and I know the struggles I’ve faced and I don’t know what struggles others face to keep their life the way it is so Alhumdullilah I don’t envy anyone life. 

I’ve faced a lot of traumatic experiences in life some out of my control some of them out of my bad choices.  Alhumdullilah (thanks to God) I’m content with my life I struggle here and there but that’s life but I’m not in competition with anyone I don’t find myself better than anyone because In the end we will all be worm food. 

I do feel thankful for the experiences I’ve had they’ve taught me to be compassionate to others unfortunately you do have those who’ve had hard life’s and they use it as an excuse to treat others in a bad manner Alhumdullilah I’d never do that because I know how it feels and would  not want someone else to feel the way I did before. 

Something else I’ve learned the hard way and in good ways no matter what you give ether good or bad it will always find it’s way back to you. 

Those who  show off their wealth and they have degrees etc are insecure only do so to feel important and need and crave the attention. There’s nothing wrong with feeling proud but it becomes a problem when you become arrogant and treat others badly. 

Bottom line be kind you don’t know what people are fighting in their daily life it cost nothing to be kind and to help others.

The Needs:

The needs of the cat/dog are often the same as the basic human needs.

We begin by trying to gain the trust of the cat/dog.  You start by providing food, water, affection; you may also start bringing special treats or toys to play with them day by day you repeat until you know you’ve established the trust knowing they will not go anywhere else and that they’ll stick around.

Sometimes life we become busy and you may begin to ease up on the frequent things you did to gain the trust of this new companion but they stick around because they know that or hope that you will remember them and provide them with their needs. Others begin to notice and start to provide water/food and affection but they still hang around because you’re their sole caregiver and they trust you.

You become stressed with everyday life sometimes we tend to take out that stress on the ones who didn’t inflict the stress we may start to become easily agitated you start to raise your voice maybe become a little physical but the cat/dog is forgiving and understanding and still comes back to you to try and comfort you, You may push them away they feel hurt shocked and surprised by your behavior but still hang around hoping that you will come back to how you used to be to gain their trust.

Over the time the cat/ dog become stressed with your behavior and your lack of caring for their needs that you once provided them to gain their trust they may still stay around but they begin to look elsewhere to fulfill their needs and to feel they’re loved and to be treated like they’re needed you begin to take notice and you start to try and attempt to gain their trust back but its already broken.

You sit and think what happened, why did the one you once cared of and provided for left you or became distant from you. Sometimes we miss all the opportunities to fix things but ignore them and try to label the problem on someone else and don’t take credibility for your actions. We’re often the fault of our own chaos we want to blame others because we don’t want to face the reality that we have a problem. The first step in fixing the problem is realizing what it is and admitting what the problem is our ego and pride gets in the way of this and prevents us from fixing the true issue even if it’s within ourselves.

In order to keep the trust of a human or cat/dog once you’ve established their trust don’t just stop continue doing all the things you did to gain it, don’t your anger out on those who didn’t inflict it leave it at the door once you enter your home don’t bring it with you, Your companions are not your enemies they’re there for you; one will not stay though where they’re not appreciated.

Sometimes I wonder what we would have become if we had never departed from each other’s lives. Would we had fixed our problems or would the problems still remain?! Would we still fight or tried to make it work for the sake of our children?!

I look back to reflect in the mistakes I’ve made sometimes I wish that this was just all a bad dream waiting for wake up or I’m in a coma fighting for my life to come back to make things right.

Sometimes I miss us I miss the happy memories we did share together the children we made together the family we once were but somehow we let things divide us I tried my best to make you happy but it just was never enough or maybe it was the fact we never really looked to see the effort each of us put into trying to make each back other happy. 

I don’t miss the fights the small triggers that would make you angry I always deeply wonder if I was truly the problem maybe I was maybe we both were after all it takes two to make things work. 

I know you’re happy now I am too at least  for the most part I finally found someone who thinks I’m worthy of gold and who’s never belittled me for suffering from a mental illness he’s brought the best in me for the most part all though I still tend to be stubborn but I suppose that’s a defense mechanism of being hurt to many times and not wanting to get hurt again by letting my guard down. 

I still have a lot to work through and to overcome we may never know what we could have become if we had remained together I know for sure I wouldn’t have faced all this struggle that I have but In the end it was for the best to depart separate ways I just wish the problems would stop you live your life happily and I live  mine and peacefully coparent with one another. 

I know you maybe never read this but I wish nothing but the best for you and your life even though you may not feel mutual but I hope one day we will find common grounds with one another Sahar.-