Invisible fear

Sunday, November 3, 2019 3:00 PM by loveforksa.blogspot.com 0 comments



There are times I  just want to be alone away from everyone and everything I’ve not been able to find an escape after everything that I have faced people. They look at me and think nothing is wrong they see me laughing, smiling as if nothing is bothering me as a friend told me before you're a pretty good actor because you hide whats bothering you very well, those who know me can see the fear and worry in my eyes they can hear my silence but I’m too proud to vent about how scared I am that I won’t find a stable job to be successful in, to paying my bills and wondering how long it will take for that job to finally come along. Instead I find myself keeping everything to myself when in reality I  just want to scream I want to cry I fight the tears an try to hide my frustrations by isolating myself away.

I find myself unintentionally wanting to rant and rave at those who want to help me even though the people closest to me assure that everything will work out fine and not to worry.

Everything that has happened from divorce, to work issues and planning to get married and not even being able to see my family for the past 6 years I have missed so much since I’ve been away from America. I’ve missed the birth of my nephew, I didn’t get to say goodbye to my great grandmother before she died, I really just want to see my mom and hug her and hug and kiss my sisters and my niece and nephews, I’m struggling to find a way to visit my children, struggling with keeping up with my prayers really I just want to explode I feel my breaking point. I feel at times that I have lost faith in life and in myself then they’re moments that spark a light of hope that things will turn around but that spark is swift and the spark of hope starts to fade.

I can’t help but wonder what I have been doing wrong in life to keep facing obstacle after obstacle, some say that Allah (God) tests those he loves the most, I feel I am failing this test rapidly there are times I wish I was in a nightmare or a coma fighting to wake up and to find myself still married to my ex-husband and not having to face this chaotic block.  I do have faith that Allah will see me through this I am grateful for the things that I have faced “surprisingly” because it’s made me more aware of things in life and people’s intentions all though people can be pretty transparent and can be hard to really know what their intentions are until it’s too late and you wasted your time trying to alter myself for them while I lost myself in the process!

I think this is my main problem actually I used to care what people think I would change myself or the things I did so that they would be happy with me in the end I was never happy once I stopped those people faded out of my life most defiantly for the best. My life has been like a giant puzzle trying to fit each thing in my life in where it belongs trying to fit a piece that I want to fit but it’s just not meant to fit no matter how much I want it to.

A lot of the times I really wonder what my purpose in this life is; For sure my purpose is to be here for my children and that’s the most meaningful thing in my life as well as my fiancé who has been more than patient and supportive through everything where most men probably would have ran away he has stayed by my side  yet I find myself snapping at him yet he understands and just holds me and tells me to not to worry. He has really brought the best out in me he has helped me face some of my biggest fears and keeps working with me on it has told me many times if you keep hanging on to your fears you will not be able to live your life happily and he’s absolutely right..


I think that when we face our fears it will break us down but it depends on us to get back up and keep trying in the end each struggle helps prepare us for the things we wanted and it also makes us stronger. I have come a long way from bigger things that caused chaos in my life where I thought I just wanted to die and didn’t want to continue in this life anymore, There are times sometimes I get those thoughts then I look at how far I have come; I’m where I want to be in life it’s just fitting every puzzle piece in my life into its place I know with the right people in my life that I have they will help me fit those pieces into the right place.

So even though there’s a lot of fear I still have a lot of hope I have always taught myself to never expect anything because when things don’t go the way we wanted it we set ourselves up for disappointment I always hold on to hope.

A new road

Sunday, July 28, 2019 12:36 PM by loveforksa.blogspot.com 0 comments


A new road. 

She’s so confused in which road to choose she’s been on the same road for so long that has brought so many challenging trials. Trials that broke her that made her doubt her self trials that brought nothing but happiness and the trials that made her stronger. 

A new path has crossed her way she quivers In fear not in fear that she won’t be happy but a fear where she would step away from the road she’s known so long a road that has always brought comfort and security. 

They always say the path that scares you the most is the path that will help you grow and to be stronger.  Is this path the right road ? Will it bring more chaos ? It will definitely bring more trials but will these trials be what breaks all the hard efforts to get where she’s at now ? These are the fears she faces. 

People tell her to stay on the same road she’s on to not let anything detour her from her goals and her dreams but could a new road a new love be the road of happiness she’s been looking for? she’s tired of giving her all and not getting anything in return she’s afraid to put her life into someone else’s hands again. She’s so used to being herself on her own for so long that it’s been nearly impossible to break her off her road that she’s so securely on for so long. 

Is this new road strong enough to change her path ? Only time will tell she prays that Allah will show her the right way to make the right choice she has always had trust in Allah even though at times she feels weak but we can only trust in what Allah puts in-front of us and know that he will never fail us. 

not so strong

Saturday, June 15, 2019 2:52 PM by loveforksa.blogspot.com 0 comments



She smiles to everyone to hide her pain,
She laughs and jokes to heal the tears that the people in her life have caused
She spends endless hours trying to make others happy while others take advantage of her kindness in the end she makes excuses for why even though she knows in her deeply broken heart that they’re only taken her kindness as a weakness…

She’s been hurt so many times that when good things occur she doesn’t know how to react she becomes worried in wondering in what bad things are to come.

She deals with the pain in the unhealthiest way; she works endless hours to keep her mind busy and distracted away from the pain and to avoid sitting alone dealing the sounds of her own voices in her mind.

Most times she wished she was dead instead of fighting the daily battles in her mind and in her daily life but she keeps fighting forward she continues to try to make others laugh, trying to make others to never feel as lonely as she feels each night she goes to sleep knowing that the people she tries to help would never do the same for her no one asks if she’s okay they see she smiles and laughs and think that she is okay they result in telling her she’s so strong when yet she feels so weak.

She just wants someone to love her for who she is to help her to become the better version of herself she feels so broken and scared to trust anyone out of fear that they will end up leaving her as the others have sworn that they’d always be by her side but left after they were done using her to their advantage.

She’s broken day by day she’s putting the pieces of her life back together she’s building her wall so high waiting to see if anyone finds her worthy enough to climb those walls and to walk beside her to be the supporting soldier that she wants in her life but she knows that she can live this world alone she has gotten through so much alone because she is a true warrior a Queen…



Betrayal

Sunday, January 14, 2018 3:36 AM by loveforksa.blogspot.com 0 comments

You give your time your hours away, and all your effort and taking away  from the people who matter to you most,

You defend them when others insult and criticize, knowing that those people who're talking are probably right in the end you block it all out and say no their wrong and you defend the people who you think who would have your back.

How many of us have been in a relationship, or it being work you do your job you prove yourself you help them without asking for anything in return than all of the sudden a sheep in wolves clothing comes or maybe they're all sheep in wolves clothing only working for their own benefit in the end everything you've done for them never mattered it was the benefit of their need from you is all that they wanted now that they have gotten their benefits of you they slowly start to replace you, when you suspect something you tend to want to block the idea out of your mind  you question them they tell you don't worry don't over think but you know what we have a conscious for a reason normally when there's something wrong its because they're normally is so never ignore the bad vibes...

How do we allow betrayal to happen? the answer is we don't it's normally unexpected the kindest ones are the ones who're the ones who are the ones who get hurt the most and those people who are the kindest are the ones who've been betrayed to many times and people wonder why you think or act the way you do, so many people who take advantage of our kindness and or loyalty sometimes ends up biting us in the ass we end up lacking trust and we end up not trusting anyone even the ones who actually are loyal good people to us we tend to take it out on them and than start to push them away and shutting everyone out all because of a few bad people...

How do we avoid it? be cautious in every situation, study each person you meet if they talk about others in a bad way than you can be guaranteed they'll talk about you also behind your back. If they promise unrealistically or seem to be over the top or it seems to good to be true it normally is... If you mention about the problem a few times and nothing changes than know that they're not good company or the people around you are not good.

In the end be careful in who you talk to not everyone you talk to can you always trust and isn't always your friend sometimes people will be nice to you just to gain something from you, sometimes it pays to be an asshole so you don't get hurt again and again.

The aggression of being Territorial

Monday, December 4, 2017 4:31 AM by loveforksa.blogspot.com 0 comments

Have you ever been in a situation where you were the only one for a while than all of the sudden someone new comes along and starts to absorb all o f that attention? that is my current state now! I hate this feeling its not a good feeling at all but is it wrong to feel that way?

I don't generally mind sharing the spotlight as long as both individuals are recognized for their duties and their hard work, Sometimes the other will try to over power the other who's been around for  awhile to show their strength by trying to take over the things the others duties to show how strong they are sometimes you let them win but if you're like me you take it personal.. I'm not really sure if I'm jealous or if i'm just extremely territorial  because being jealous is when you want something that's not yours where being territorial is protecting what already is yours...

When to let your guard down though? or do you ever let your guard down? people always say do not trust anyone in all senses those people are right! some people are a like a wolf in sheep's clothing they try to be your friend they try to know things about you only to try to take what you've worked so hard to get where your at... All this aggression I feel towards fighting to keep my position and to prove to my worthiness that I deserve the same recognition but the constant proving worthiness is exhausting so when do you stop trying to prove yourself? 

I think the only failure is when you stop trying and I think it's okay to fail sometimes because when we fail we learn from that experience and what not to repeat in the future but if you see that you're heading for failure is to give everything you got put all of your efforts your sleepless nights to the point you cry an at that point you pray to Allah (God)  to help guide you at that point this is the point i'm at now, everyone says to stop worrying and to relax but how can I relax when everything in my life seems to be going down the slippery slope? my patience is like the strand of hair and I hate this feeling and I can only hope that my worrying isn't worthy and i'll be proven wrong and that my feelings are wrong an I'll continue to stand strong where I'm at.

 I know that in this time I need to turn to Allah and pray sometimes I feel like I don't want to pray  I know that it will help me but at the same time I feel so week to push myself and I keep hitting one road block after another just when I find a solution to one problem another seems to show up I hope that I can find the motivation to get me back on track of praying again, I miss being on top of my prayers I really feel bad when I don't pray I know when I do pray I'm not angry I'm sure this is the root of all my problems but why can't I push myself to do it? All I can say and hope for that Allah guide me back to him and that the problems that I see that are so big become not a problem at all..



Who would I be

Monday, November 27, 2017 11:22 PM by loveforksa.blogspot.com 0 comments

The question always remains in my mind, In what type of person I would be if the things that have happened to me in the past never happened.... Would I be the same person I am today? I feel angry at the people in my past who have betrayed my trust and hurt me I often wonder why they did those things? did I deserve it? I know I didn't but still the question remains if it didn't happen would I be a better person ? Even though I am have strong dis likeness to the people who have molded my mind and personality and my views on life .

When I was younger I used to watch shows like "rescue 911" I loved this show the police made me feel safe and the dispatchers I admired them, they were always there to answer the calls for help I wanted to be that person.. I didn't get to become what I wanted I became so sick from the things that had changed my life from the sexual abuse from my step father, than my biological father I had attempted suicide at the age 10 I spent several months in hospitals for treatment I spent a quite a bit of time in and out of hospitals throughout my pre-teen life, I didn't return to public schools until my middle school years... 

I knew after the time I had spent time in the hospitals that I wanted to do something that helped people I wanted to work with the police, I did get the opportunity to work in the "Police explorer program" with my local police department it gave me a whole new aspect of respect for the police in what they do in the mean time it helped me stay straight in high school that was my goal ideas in life were to serve my country in the US Army and work in the military police and then work with my local department in my home town... 
As I sat in my classroom in high school I remember a discussion about foreigners I remember myself saying " I will never ever marry a foreigner" I had a very ignorant aspect of those from different countries I was happy that I was making my family happy by doing what they expected me to do.... little did I know that many of those things would change, after 9/11 I was ready to serve in the military that was my push of encouragement I needed to join the Army after high school I remember training with them and during my 2 mile run I got sick at that time I learned I had asthma and had an asthma attack as I was finishing my run and learned that I'd no longer be allowed to join the military.

After the 9/11 I started to make friends then never did I expect myself to ever become Muslim let alone live in another country 15 years later I'm now living inside of Saudi Arabia, I always wonder what would had happened if I had never met my Saudi friends would I be the same person I am today? where would I be if the things didn't happen to me would I be Muslim ? would I be living in Saudi would I be happier?... I know one thing the struggles that I had dealt with did teach me many things  that no university can teach you, which is that the people in life even the ones you call family can hurt you and can not always be trusted but the people who are not blood can become more than family, I have met so many amazing people in my life that have taught me things that I will carry for ever, and the people that who've betrayed me have taught also in to be cautions in who you trust and to be careful in the life... 

My mind is always full of "What Ifs"  but If I had never been through the things I went through I know that maybe I wouldn't be who I am today, am I always happy? no I still face a lot of ups and downs and struggles that always makes me wonder what if that didn't happen would I be happier I just hope now  since the past is the past and can't be changed that the new things to come will make me happy so I can never wonder about my past and be able to help others who may struggle as I have after all helping people is what I enjoy..

The things you say are one thing, but the actions you do are what matter more than your words, words are comforting but when actions don't match your words than it only breaks the heart and mind so do be kind you don't know the life they've lived everyone handles things differently so be kind it cost nothing to listen and to be kind.💕

She was

Saturday, November 25, 2017 3:32 AM by loveforksa.blogspot.com 0 comments


She was patient
She was strong
She stood by your side even when you ignored her
She was there for you
She cried for you
She missed you
She loved you
She wanted you
She just wanted your attention
She just needed to feel that you cared
She made excuses for why you didn't call
She got used to you not calling back
She ended up falling asleep soaked in her tears
She started to drift from you
She hated the feeling of leaving you
She thought you'd always be by her side
She realized that even though she was always there for you willing to drop everything for you that you wouldn't do the same for her.


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